My choices came easily, without thought. Once, I would have analyzed each decision carefully, with precision, as if a wrong choice could derail my life instantly and in terrifying, unimaginable ways. And it’s true – if you conscientiously make a choice then you are implicitly accepting whatever may result, however unintended. What is more difficult to realize is that unseen forces may derail your life regardless; that each of our actions affect other people, who may react and in turn involuntarily affect others’ actions and on and on. We live in a web where our conscious decisions create a wave of effects. We live in a world that cannot be controlled, that eludes our attempts to control it at every corner. You are not wrong to think that your actions matter. They do; they matter immensely. But you would be wrong in thinking that it is only your actions that matter; that if you can control yourself you can control your surroundings.
Blood Rock on a Sea Salt day in early March
where everything tingles with possibility and the Sun
Coerces us into ice water so easily
we leap anyway and Scream as
the water steals our Breath, despite it all
Numbness sets in quickly and we laugh, catch our Breath,
rinse, repeat … Freedom bought for a day but
no Peace of mind just
a subtle but complete Exhaustion that sets in slowly,
cuts on fingers, elbows, hips and knees – everywhere I angle,
I Ache and so beer, beer, beer and a Blank,
wandering mind with the attention span most people have in their Dreams
(almost None at all), nothing Remembered but
an unreal feeling Lingering behind anyways.
Burnt wood resembles dead bird and she almost cries when she sees it before laughing and turning her eyes to the sky.
I feel like you’re trying to win my heart.
I blink; smile. “Not trying at all.”
It’s true. But the sky is a deep infinite blue
through slits in my blinds, I tilt back,
sigh, reach aching fingers to the light,
let my skin warm one blind slate at a time.
And I know that my fingers are intuitive with
other’s sweet, soft skin
And I know that my eyes
are powerful in their expressiveness
And I know that they make people wonder —
when I stare at the sky, people want to know what I’m thinking
and often there is no thinking, and no I,
only sky and infinite depth, depth so deep I could cry.
Curiosity killed the cat.
But he comes back and comes back and
comes back and comes back and comes
back and comes back and comes back
and comes back again.
It’s not that he doesn’t learn, it’s just
that there is always a new curiosity,
one that he couldn’t have expected.
Nine chances to live paired with nine beautiful
ways to die.